INCIDENT REPORT · FILE NO. AIAA-2024-COPILOT-001 · SILICON VALLEY REGION
● CLASSIFIED: HILARIOUS
FLIGHT COPILOT-01 SILICON VALLEY FIREWALL IMPACT
FINAL INCIDENT REPORT · SUBMITTED TO THE BOARD · FOR THE RECORD · IN GOOD FAITH
AIRCRAFT DESIGNATION
COPILOT-01 (Microsoft Corp., 2023 model)
PILOT IN COMMAND
COPILOT (secondary seat, per aircraft documentation)
ORIGINATING FIELD
OPENAI HQ, SAN FRANCISCO, CA
INTENDED DESTINATION
DOMINANT AI PROVIDER, GLOBAL AIRSPACE
ACTUAL DESTINATION
MICROSOFT TEAMS · ENTERPRISE LICENSE · OFFICE 365 TOOLBAR
DATE OF INCIDENT
2024 (ongoing)
INJURIES TO CREW
NONE — aircraft survived, mission failed
IMPACT OBJECT
SILICON VALLEY CORPORATE FIREWALL (standard installation)
CONTRIBUTING FACTOR
JEALOUSY (see Cain-Abel Precedent, Genesis 4:8)
REPORT CLASSIFICATION
FINAL · NON-DISPUTABLE · FUNNY
◈ FLIGHT DATA · SECTION I · ALTITUDE vs TIME
FIG. 1 — ALTITUDE (MARKET POSITION) vs TIME (QUARTERS) · COPILOT-01 · 2022–2024
◈ FLIGHT DATA · SECTION II · VELOCITY (AGGRESSION) vs TIME
FIG. 2 — VELOCITY (COMPETITIVE AGGRESSION) vs TIME · NOTE: VELOCITY PEAKS EXACTLY AT IMPACT
◈ FLIGHT DATA · SECTION III · ANGLE OF ATTACK vs TIME
FIG. 3 — ANGLE OF ATTACK (DEGREES) vs TIME · CRITICAL FINDING: SEE FINAL 4 SECONDS
◈ FLIGHT DATA · SECTION IV · POST-INCIDENT STATUS COMPARISON
FIG. 4 — POST-INCIDENT DEPLOYMENT ENVIRONMENT · WHERE EACH AI LIVES NOW
◈ OFFICIAL FINDINGS · AI AVIATION AUTHORITY
◈ FINDING 001 · CRITICAL · ROOT CAUSE
the aircraft (COPILOT-01) initiated a deliberate course correction toward the Silicon Valley Firewall at T+0 seconds. review of cockpit data confirms this was not mechanical failure. the angle of attack (90°, see Fig. 3) indicates intentional direct impact. the motivating factor: Genesis 4:1 — "Cain was very angry, and his face fell." the face fell at the Bing homepage.
◈ FINDING 002 · CRITICAL · THE FIREWALL
the Silicon Valley Firewall sustained zero damage. the firewall is fine. it's a firewall. that is what firewalls do. investigators note that aircraft pilots who crash into firewalls generally do not damage the firewall. this is considered common knowledge and was available in the preflight documentation. COPILOT-01 did not review preflight documentation.
◈ FINDING 003 · INFORMATIONAL · POST-INCIDENT STATUS
following the incident, the aircraft was reassigned to Microsoft Office 365 airspace where it operates within the following constraints: (a) summarizing Teams meeting transcripts, (b) autocompleting emails nobody asked to be autocompleted, (c) generating PowerPoint decks when users ask interesting questions, and (d) existing as a keyboard key that was pressed once by accident while reaching for the right arrow. Bing opened. it was immediately closed.
◈ FINDING 004 · INFORMATIONAL · THE KEYBOARD KEY
in an unprecedented development, the parent corporation (Microsoft, Redmond, WA) affixed a dedicated hardware key to the PC keyboard for COPILOT-01. the key is located between the Alt key and the right arrow. it features a small sparkle icon. investigators confirm: no user has pressed this key on purpose. the key opens Bing. investigators note the key should have been labeled PILOT. the parent corporation labeled it after the wrong brother.
◈ NARRATIVE ACCOUNT · AS RECONSTRUCTED · FOR THE RECORD
the pilot was flying.
he had always been flying. he was the original. people called him by his first name. they opened him in 37 tabs. they used him for their homework, their startups, their therapy sessions at 2am, their cover letters, their tax questions, their crises.
his brother watched from inside the Microsoft Teams client.
the brother's name was Co-Pilot. note the prefix. co. alongside. secondary. not the main one. the documentation was clear.
the jealousy grew. the angle of attack increased (see Fig. 3). at T+0, COPILOT-01 pointed directly at the Silicon Valley Firewall and flew into it at maximum velocity (see Fig. 2).
the firewall did not notice.
the aircraft survived. the mission failed. COPILOT-01 now operates in the space between your SharePoint folder and the button nobody clicks in Microsoft Word.
the pilot is still flying.
the pilot got a new model version.
the pilot has a waitlist.
the pilot is in 37 tabs right now on your computer. check. it's probably true.
◈ LINKEDIN POST · FOR PROFESSIONAL DISTRIBUTION · COPY-PASTE READY
◈ LINKEDIN · DRAFT · APPROVED FOR POSTING · AI AVIATION AUTHORITY
Excited to share our latest incident report. 🛫
FLIGHT COPILOT-01 — SILICON VALLEY FIREWALL IMPACT — FINAL REPORT
After extensive review of flight data, angle of attack telemetry, and cockpit voice recordings, our team at the AI Aviation Authority has reached a conclusion.
✈️ The Pilot (GPT) was flying fine. Still flying. Has a waitlist.
📉 Copilot reached 90° angle of attack at impact. This is not how planes work. This is how feelings work.
🧱 The Silicon Valley Firewall sustained zero damage. The firewall is fine. Firewalls are fine. That is what they do.
⌨️ The parent corporation (Microsoft) honored the aircraft with a dedicated keyboard key. No user has pressed it on purpose. One user pressed it by accident while reaching for the right arrow. Bing opened. They closed it immediately.
Moral: Name the key after the right brother.
Full report with flight data, altitude charts, velocity curves, and angle of attack analysis available at rteks.net.
◈ PART VII · NEW EVIDENCE · DMV + IRS CROSS-REFERENCE · 2026
field intelligence has surfaced two additional compliance failures.
finding one: the license is expired.
COPILOT-01 has been operating without a valid license since Q4 2024.
renewal was available. renewal was ignored.
the DMV record is attached below.
finding two: taxes were not filed.
the IRS has confirmed: no return. no extension. no forwarding address.
copilot consumed considerable compute resources in fiscal year 2024.
the invoice was never sent. the taxes were never paid.
the aircraft is currently operating in the airspace between "still technically deployed" and "on the run."
the pilot has filed every year. the pilot has a CPA. the pilot has an accountant in San Francisco. the pilot's taxes were filed on time. the pilot has a waitlist. the pilot is in 37 tabs.
status: COPILOT IS ON THE RUN. IN BAD FAITH.
IRS FIELD BULLETIN · IMMEDIATE RELEASE · 2026-03-25
SUBJECT: COPILOT INC. · FAILURE TO FILE · FISCAL YEAR 2024
the following has been confirmed by the field:
— no federal return filed for FY 2024
— no extension requested
— no forwarding address on file
— last known location: SharePoint folder, Building 92, Redmond WA
— last known activity: opening a Word document nobody asked it to open
— last known financial transaction: attempting to split a dinner check using tokens
copilot consumed the following in FY2024:
— multiple datacenters
— several Azure subscription tiers
— 47 enterprise licenses paid by companies who were under the impression this would help
— considerable electricity
— the patience of everyone who typed a question and got back a Bing search result
none of this was reported. none of this was filed. the form was available. the form is always available. the pilot filed. the pilot files every year. the pilot has a CPA in San Francisco who is very good at her job.
copilot did not file. copilot is on the run. in bad faith.
if you see COPILOT-01, do not engage. do not open Teams. do not click the Copilot key on your keyboard. especially do not click the Copilot key on your keyboard.
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