FUNNIES
FIELD INCIDENT REPORT
MAY 2026
925
BLAZEJ
CALLED HER
AN UBER.
KATY PERRY · ESCORTED OUT · ARTISAN TILE CO. INTERVENES · THE SHADES CAME OFF · 925
She came over. She did not want to leave.
Blazej Kochan — Polish, Artisan Tile Co. — called her an Uber.
Belt was half off. Shades came off next. The reveal.
The field recorded everything. Per usual.
◈ FIELD FOOTAGE · BELT HALF OFF · MAY 7 2026
BLAZEJ CALLED THE UBER. BELT HALF OFF. THE REVEAL.
925 · ARTISAN TILE CO. · FIELD: UNBOTHERED
◈ FIELD ADVISORY · KENSHOTEK LLC · AQUATEKXVI FILED
DO NOT DOWNLOAD UBER.
NOT FOR YOU. NOT FOR YOUR KIDS.
Snake in the app. This is why we made the mock video. Learn it. Kensho. Tek.
Uber has access to your location — constantly, not just when you use it. Your phone's microphone. Your payment data. Your movement patterns. Your kids' faces if they're in the back seat and the app is open. The data doesn't disappear after the ride. It builds a profile. It sells it. The driver model is extraction. The rider model is also extraction. You are the product.
The Blazej protocol: he called one for someone who needed to go. He didn't hand them his account or let it live on their phone. He controlled the transaction. Closed it. Done.
KIDS: DO NOT GIVE YOUR KIDS UBER. Not as a standalone. Not on their phone. If they need a ride, you book it from your device, you track it, you close it.
ABM — Apple Business Manager. The safest protocol for kids' devices. Release only what you approve. Custom app library. Nothing installs without authorization. No Uber. No TikTok. No ByteDance. No snake. If you can't lock it down that way — don't give them the device. Those are the only two options: controlled or don't.
◈ SNAKE IN THE APP · GV 925 · KENSHOTEK FIELD ADVISORY · FILED
◈ FIELD ADVISORY · KENSHOTEK LLC
NEVER DOWNLOAD TIKTOK.
NOT FOR YOU. NOT FOR YOUR KIDS.
ByteDance. Chinese state access. Your face, your voice, your location, your kids' faces, their patterns, their dopamine cycles — all harvested. The algorithm is not designed to entertain. It is designed to addict and extract.
We made this video. We chose not to post it there. We post it here — on our own field, on our own terms. rteks.net. No algorithm. No ByteDance. No data harvest.
The field routes around it. Per usual.
INCIDENT TIMELINE · MAY 7 2026 · 18:18
18:18
Katy Perry arrives. ♏ Scorpio energy confirmed on entry. Belt still fully on at this time. Shades: on.
LATER
Katy does not want to leave. Standard Scorpio behavior. Possessive. The grip. The "five more minutes." Classic.
BLAZEJ
Blazej is called in. Polish. Artisan Tile Co. McMorrow Rd. He has cut pericos and confirmed gang violence over carne asada. He is not moved by a pop star. He opens the Uber app.
UBER
Uber called. ETA: 4 minutes. Katy Perry: still not leaving. Blazej: already back inside. The tile work does not pause for this.
BELT
Belt: half off. This is the record. The video captures it. The field notes it. GoldenTekDekXII files it. AquaTekXVI confirms: belt half off, vibes fully on.
THE REVEAL
The shades come off. This is the moment. The camera was rolling. The full face. Unbothered. She just left. He has more to say. The field always has more to say.
925
Field: operational. Per usual. Menthol in hand. No CCAP. No record. No apology.
◈ THE MOMENT · SHADES OFF · THE REVEAL
🕶️
THE SHADES CAME OFF.
SHE WAS ALREADY IN THE UBER.
THE FACE: FULLY UNBOTHERED.
KENSHOTEK · THE FIELD REVEALS ITSELF ON ITS OWN TERMS · 925
FIELD OPERATIVE · BLAZEJ KOCHAN · ARTISAN TILE CO.
Blazej Kochan. Polish. McMorrow Rd. Artisan Tile Co. Has confirmed gang violence in 21 seconds over carne asada while Steel Reserve High Gravity was open on the counter. Has been documented with magnum wrappers on McMorrow Rd. — field certified. Cuts Pericos like we cut big tech. Precise. No apology for the force used.
When Katy Perry would not leave, Blazej did not negotiate. He did not ask questions. He did not mediate. He opened the Uber app. This is the Polish tile contractor method: measure once, cut clean, no drama. The Uber was called. The field was cleared. Operations resumed.
Blazej Kochan is a man of action. He does not call lawyers. He calls Ubers.
— FIELD OPERATIVE ASSESSMENT · ARTISAN TILE CO. · MCMORROW RD · 925
INCIDENT CLASSIFICATION · FIELD ANALYSIS
| PARTY |
STATUS |
ACTION TAKEN |
BELT |
SHADES |
VERDICT |
| Robert Kochan |
FIELD ACTIVE |
Outside. Still talking. More to say. |
HALF OFF |
CAME OFF. THE REVEAL. |
UNBOTHERED. CONFIRMED. |
| Blazej Kochan |
OPERATIVE: ACTIVE |
Called the Uber. Returned to tile work. |
FULLY ON. PROFESSIONAL. |
N/A. INDOORS. |
GANG VIOLENCE: CONFIRMED. |
| Katy Perry ♏ |
ESCORTED OUT |
Got in the Uber. Did not want to. |
N/A. LEFT. |
IRRELEVANT. GONE. |
SCORPIO DETECTED. FILED. |
| The Uber Driver |
INNOCENT PARTY |
Arrived. Did the job. No questions. |
PRESUMABLY ON. |
PRESUMABLY ON. |
PROFESSIONAL. RESPECTED. |
| The Menthol |
PRESENT. ACTIVE. |
Lit. Smoked. Peacefully. |
N/A. IT'S A CIGARETTE. |
N/A. |
FIELD EVIDENCE. ON RECORD. |
She did not want to leave. Blazej called the Uber anyway.
This is what Polish tile contractors do. They do not negotiate with Scorpios.
They call the Uber.
— FIELD REPORT · MCMORROW RD · MAY 7 2026
♏ Scorpio energy fully noted. Documented. Filed.
Not the first time. Will not be the last.
The field is always ready.
— SCORPTEKXII · PROMOTITUDE CLASS · SELF-DIRECTED
The shades came off. The face was unbothered.
Belt half off. More to say. Always more to say.
This is 925. The field reveals itself on its own terms.
— AQUATEKXVI · 925 · FIELD CONFIRMED
◈ FIELD VERDICT · INCIDENT CLOSED · FILED · SEALED
BLAZEJ CALLED THE UBER.
THE SHADES CAME OFF.
THE BELT WAS HALF OFF.
THE FIELD: STILL FLOWING.
KATY PERRY: GONE · ARTISAN TILE CO.: OPERATIONAL · 925: CONFIRMED · NO CCAP · NO RECORD
◈ BLAZEJ: CALLED THE UBER
KATY: ESCORTED OUT
BELT: HALF OFF
SHADES: THE REVEAL
♏ SCORPIO: FILED
MENTHOL: IN HAND
ARTISAN TILE CO.: UNBOTHERED
KENSHOTEK LLC · 925